The relevance of my life in yours is questionable at best.

Screaming at you at the top of my lungs -- Only heard from between my own ears. And sometimes all I want is for you to care; it doesn't even have to be in the same way. Your lack of response to compliments in the form of brief myspace comments and annoyingly long text messages leave me in sullen states. This is borderline pathetic by now. After all, I am only being myself, but who am I anymore. A glass half full kind of boy; I'm taking my naivety with me to the grave. As always, wanting to type "leaving it all in His hands" ; ever reiterate that to yourself so many times that it gets to the point of saying it just to get through the day? I know God is good and I trust in His promises, but I'm still praying intently that my head and heart are nothing less than genuine. It's about time to move on. You obviously have. Sometimes I just don't know nothin' 'bout hopes or spirits or hearts or lungs or love.

Coffee Bean cancellations.

From the incoherency of the thoughts and ideas in my head to indecipherable run-on sentences in this almost single-subject diary. These are love letters and notes from my bashful and apprehensive throat. This is barely comprehensible. And sometimes there is no other way for anything to ever be explained. And sometimes maybe you don't want it to be. Wrap all this around your head like the way I'm wrapped around your finger.

Have fun tonight and paint our town red.
Oh... Happy birthday Steph. Again and again.

Praying for the best.

You can only hide behind "friends" and parties and excuses and the person you're pretending to be for so long. You are empty words, half truths, and half hearts. I am wasted breath and time. Attempting to prove I care leaves me exhausted, penniless, and unappreciated. If I've made any impact on your life, you certainly don't show it. Neverending prayers and hopes. I love you and you are my closest friend, but I am constantly on the brink of walking away.

Stop me.

Explosions in the sky.

The Glasshouse. One beautiful place filled with millions of beautiful sounds. My favorite place to be in the world, all in the humble art/fashion district of downtown Pomona. It's impressive how a venue as small as this can change your life, in so many different aspects, and in such a massive way, even if only for a few hours at a time. Show up distraught or stressed, and leave feeling... composed, untroubled. In years past, I've seen breath-taking performances by Chris Carabba, Jenny Lewis & the Watson Twins, Saves the Day, Rilo Kiley, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Jimmy Eat World, Death Cab for Cutie, Pedro the Lion, The Decemberists, among many, many others. In this week alone, on three different nights, I've seen Brandtson, Minus the Bear, and Explosions in the Sky(last night). It was the first time I've seen Explosions live, and it was one of my most memorable experiences. Ever. Even without lyrics, the musicians put so much emotion into what they were doing that there was no way that you wouldn't be able to feel it. Awesome and overwhelming. Pure.

Appleseed Cast plays November 21st and IT WILL BE CLASSIC. Come with.

A child of twenty-two.

after service today, I immediately left, and had lunch alone. just needed to kind of re-assess things and meditate on what I learned in sunday school and in the sermon. I decided on a few things and these are some of my goals: to truly know and understand what consistency and intimacy in my relationship with my Lord means. He deserves more time than I've ever given Him. to concentrate on school more until I get my business degree in december and socializing SO MUCH less. going/hanging out is NOT the same as fellowship and I think we all can get the two confused. being an encourager and testimony and prayer partner to those who need it. being bold enough to share the gospel to my coworkers. to be a better brother and friend. especially to you. this is my time to finally grow up, to mature, in more ways than one. I've about a year until I transition from college student to businessman(boy). here's to being a child of twenty-two.

"little boat, you're mine again." -- thank you, Jesus.

K. Alaia's trick, not treat.

i told you i missed you tonight.
and God, did i mean it.

you responded with "good!" and a mischievous grin.

always content with taking what i can get.
(living off splitsecond hugs and sincere smiles and all the sounds of you talking.)

Friday night at PCC.

the setting: friday night college group @ pcc.

tita cyn: ok class, we're going through the book "how now shall we live".
kris saliba: haha everytime I hear that, I think of "how now brown cow".
me: haha. how now brown cow shall we live? that's like the book people in india would read.
kris saliba: haha.

welcome to friday night.

"She's beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me."

fall down enough, and getting up is what hurts. they say fools lose tomorrow, while longing for yesterday. wrap that around your hea(d/rt). watching "the science of sleep" tonight with lauren menor.

edit: the movie didn't live up to the hype, in my opinion. lauren menor went beyond it. i could get used to her rolling "r"'s and un-used to rolling eyes. but deep inside i know that i'd opt for your eyes -- doing anything. I'll keep losing tomorrows, with high hopes of spending a few today's with you. does that make ME a fool?

It's autumn. And I fall.

the trees are putting up a fight and I'm longing for fire colored leaves because its time for new beginnings. placing you in the scrapbooks of my life in my mind. polaroid eyelids. & i will grow old without you. tonight you are traveling through the atmosphere and into space, millions of miles away from today. past the sounds of small worlds the size of dark brown pupils exploding. past the brightest star I named for you when I was naive enough to dream. i.o.u.'s and gift wrapped galaxies wouldn't have nearly been enough to ever make you feel the same. assured the years have passed. chapter(s) closed. disregard all that I am and you are perfect now.

we both may be.

Serious Black.

Comments and messages are our sole forms of communication anymore. OR (We've come a long way, princess.)

And sometimes I'd have it no other way. I'm the king of over-analyzation and incorrect conclusions. forgive me. I type whatever's swirling in this head in the wee hours of the night/morning without any concern for consequences. but I was designed to break my own heart and my only real crime is this obsession with documenting it. it's all (not) mapped out. and I am still lost. exposed to this audience I call my conscience and maybe I should listen but I won't. sometimes I think I'm the only kid who reads this drivel; I honestly know better. ill keep a sharper mind in the weeks to come. (no promises). I instinctively typed "weaks". gah.

P.S. that last entry actually had more than that one sentence in it, btw.

The story of my li(f)e.

responses to "how are you doing" are always a matter of who's asking. just keep telling myself I'm over you. yet with each interaction, I'm left with every feeling you've ever given me and I don't know why. like how those eyes can hatch butterflies within my gut and trembling in my voice and how sing alongs with you make me want to smile 'til I die. you mentioned tonight how you've got weak knees. you haven't any idea. but he's got your attention and we all can tell. and these are the thoughts that render sleep an ineffable concept. I hate being so pathetic. sleep easy, sweetie. I'm wide awake.

forced shut eyes & perfection on my pillowcase.
you are still my dream girl. :-(

Sexy back.

"I hide behind these books I read while scribbling my poetry. Like art could save a wretch like me with some ideal ideology that no one could hope to achieve and I am never real, it's just a sketch of me and everything I've made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time."

Uh-pdates.

listen to Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" when you decide you want to start living.

shows coming up: dashboard w/ brand new in san diego. the elected at the glass house. deathcab for cutie w/ jenny lewis and the watson twins at bren events. yay times ten.

I need to watch The Last Kiss and the Science of Sleep. come with.

I still heart guitar hero.

ed templeton's next art exhibit is going to be the bee's knees and I can't wait.

no p!atd w/ what's her face. dc and bn alone instead. :-)

its funny, but I kinda miss matt frazier. haha. fun kid.
and lauren menor, even though I worked with her today.

I finally passed super mario bros 3 w/ no cheats. yay.

new store = <333.

liz m. is a sight for sore eyes. & she's got personality to die for. (small crushes and nervous smiles and speeding hearts and sweating bullets aimed at myself.) swoon.

speaking of sore eyes, I am now required to wear a contact lens. yes, just one. weak. :-(

new brand new record on 112106. lifechangerforsure.

this iPod's on shuffle and every other song is either by bright eyes or saves the day or cursive or minus the bear and I don't mind. :-) times ten.

less writing more living. end.

& all i see are misspelled, poorly written paragraphs of self-acclamation.

a patron saint of liars and fakes. I read and hear words from some "good" and "upstanding" individual while all I observe is some poor attention-starved kid trying incredibly hard to stand out with no avail. get a life. you're just wasting precious time PRETENDING to be someone you're not when you could be using this time to actually BE that someone. maybe if you did, THEN people would see a literal change for the better instead of hating your guts so much like the way they do now. walk the walk and stop screaming the talk because all it'll get you are high expectations that you won't ever (even pretend to) meet.

keep telling yourself and the world that you're "cured".
you are the worst case of denial ever witnessed.

You'd make a great secret if I could keep you but we all spill our guts.

a click on the receiving end, and you're off. off doing the very things I hate you doing. with the very people I hate you to be around. and all I want is for you to be good. be good. pleasepleaseplease. I wish you could see how much I care. or sometimes I wish I meant more to you than that devil on your shoulder you choose to listen to. but all I am is a dreamer with your well-being in mind. and all you are is a nightmare with "better" things to do. I'm all out of things to say to you. at the very least, that damn dancefloor must've looked a hell of a lot better with you on it, all dressed in your Sunday best.

"be sure to open up your eyes."
this quote goes out to you.

or quite possibly myself.

Pluto is not a planet.

and I'm surprised that this one still is. this place is so messed up, it isn't deserving. I am so tired of everything around me. like just when you think you've got it all figured out, "it all" begins falling apart. vicious cycle. sift through my pile of "never again's". noticing that some aren't. just hopes. & your card's come up again. I guess its that time of year. girls like you remind me of how infantile and naïve I can be. you're beautiful. but the sparkle in your eyes diminishes more and more each time I interact with you. noticable only to me. you are indecisive and incredibly difficult. you long for something that sure as hell isn't me. sometimes I don't even know why I try so damn hard when you treat me the exact opposite of how I treat you. attempting time after time to bring out the best in you just brings out the worst in me. I'm exhausted and feeling terrible by the end of each day spent with you. wishing you'd take compliments without the usual "i know" eyeroll. sometimes I wonder if anybody thinks about you as much as I do. tonight was horrible for the both of us but with every moment and with all sincerity, I hope you're feeling okay. does that make me sweet or an idiot? i don't really do things for the sole purpose of feeling appreciated, but if you did, it sure would make my day.

p.s. myspace is a joke.

Drix in search of self.

and insomnia ensues. I truly abhor this feeling of h-elp/ope -lessness. but I suppose these interminable nights leave me time to continue (un)productive hobbies such as this. this is my playroom therapy. this tiny keyboard is my "ms. a." this is my escape from the smallness that I feel. I can be as big as I want and these keys let me act how I want. welcome to thursday night(mare).

this is only decipherable to one girl.

You dont do it on purpose but you make me shake.

Cantgiveupthedream. (she will destroy me.)

what's the opposite of amnesia? because that's what I have. because sometimes I can't find my way around my memories. always having to take different routes. and I think you were the best one. its like it was never really going anywhere, with innumerable breakdowns but really, it made for the best trip. I'm completely out of place (everyw)here. and at the same time not. its like it always was. I am always on the verge of love or giving up. or that's at least what I've convinced myself of today -- tomorrow it will be something else. I've got aluminum foil on my bedroom windows to block the heat and sun. but at night, it blocks out any amazing views of the moon and stars. I long to marvel at the pulchritude of your smile and eyes and being, but I don't want to get burned. and I think I'm all sorts of crazy. maybe I'll just go to sleep and wake up ten years old in a shabby house in valinda.

because how could any of this be real.

This phone will be the death of me.

think myself to pieces. and writing too fast to keep up. make up for true blues and dead reds. that doesn't even make sense. but nothing ever does anymore it seems. rhymes and (no) reasons. just like random poems via text messages at three in the morning. I can't wait until autumn and winter. visible breath and brilliant burning colors of the leaves are somehow associated with feeling okay to me. and just as easily as you can run home from problems, you can run home TO them. journal writing counts. its funny/terrible how its kind of what I'm known for now. and all this time, I've wanted to be so much more. this may be all (the friend) I have.

written while seated on a bench at the Orange County Museum of Art. "happy places" and melancholy thoughts.

(Dis)re-guarded tramp-led (h)ear(t)s. (i dont mean a word.)

sometimes you spend every waking moment and most sleeping ones thinking and wishing and dreaming about one heart, one person. and the years pass. they let it slip, or you do. God knows where it all begins or ends. but as it falls to pieces, you keep grabbing and collecting them not like for a museum of artifacts that once mattered, but like you're going to put those broken pieces back together. except there are always a couple pieces missing each time.

breathe deep. slow your (un)beating heart. these winding roads in your mind confuse. remember a time before you always felt like this. try to remember, drix. you want it to be simple. you make it complicated. sometimes i wish i could re-engineer the single path from my heart to the tip of my tongue and let my head have a chance to(o). i haven't any huge dreams or wishes, i just want to be at least "okay." but then it all comes down to my word versus your word versus the world's word and i dont think i want to anymore. im tired and worn. my head's full, and my eyes empty.

when I wake up at the crack of noon, the world's blurry. it barely comes in and usually stays out of focus. this is when its at its worst. awake from dreams of you to realize that none of it was real, possibly ever. spend late nights eating ungodly amounts of ben & jerry's chocolate brownie ice cream and watching fresh prince or saved by the bell reruns with that frankie j record playing in the background.

i'll let this eat at me for five more seconds and I'll willingly stop the moping and find my feet. this feeling won't last forever and I won't let it. start smiles in five. four. three. two. one.

long"live"ourcarcrashhearts.

"Finally got the nerve to tell you how much you mean to me."

it's kind of funny how people can windowshop on your life or critique your writing on style and grammar and grace. i hope they at least enjoy the read. I don't know how my mind works or if it even does. nights like these are spent writing and writing and waiting.

they ask God for an end to poverty and hopes for cures to incurable diseases like cancer. i bother God with selfish pleasures and hope for relief/a cure for a hurricane/heartache named (you know who). there's not a need for details or specific names, but when was the last time there was a need to? hurt is what i try so not to seem, but it's the only word that comes to mind. you haven't any idea how i felt on that car ride back because i covered any agony with forced smiles and nods and "i understand's". what it really and literally felt like: a one thousand pound man sitting on my chest, suffocating me while decking me in the face with brass knuckles on. but i know that with God's grace, the thousand pound man will slowly lose weight as the the days go by, and the pain will eventually diminish. but i'll continue to keep crossing my heart or t's because fingers give me away everytime.

i SO want to be who God wants for you, the person you've longingly prayed for. but maybe we just weren't meant for each other and i've got to acknowledge that. I've also got to acknowledge the fact that I need to trust God and His plan so much more as well as sincerely live as the kind of man that a girl like you prays for. I want to exceed expectations. I want to be more than what people percieve me as. I want to be a child of whom God is well pleased. these are just some goals worth striving for, and I know someday things will fall into place. whether or not you will be a part of that is yet to be seen, but I truly hope you are. if not, I know its for the best. just because our relationship might be moving unpredictably as of now, please please please don't write us off. please.

so there you go. i'm glad that we had the chance to talk this over face to face. these feelings for you probably won't leave me for some time, but this was all a learning experience and I don't regret anything that's ever happened between you and I because I've enjoyed every moment so far. and I know we'll make many more memories to come. if you ever need help, advice, comfort, encouragement, someone to chill with or confide in, a dashboard singalong, or just another reading suggestion, please don't hesitate to call because your company is always welcome. but just so you know, you're a hard girl to get over, hoochie. This'd all be so much easier if you weren't the prettiest thing living. and if you didn't have the personality and intellect and everything I've ever wanted in a person.

"and I'm still here, waiting there to catch you if you fall."

Little blue hairclips.

yellow finger and toenails match the yellow on my belly when I actually build up the nerve to make eye contact. you really can't comprehend how my heart beats under, through, and out of this chest when I receive so much as a wave or nod of acknowledgement from you, or even worse(for my heart, not my eyes or any other aspect of my being), a simple smile. but I'd have it no other way because this billion butterfly-filled stomach and thoughts of "I can't believe you said that" and "you're such an idiot" to myself the second I end a sentence during a conversation with you tell me you're so much more than just "some girl I know." and I'd give almost anything to be more than just "some boy you know."

EDIT: btw, this pasadena trip may be a lifechanger.
but please please please, not for the worse. EDIT: Frick.
EDIT: Haha. Okay, we're on again.

Hearts of gold vs. hearts of stone.

always chased, never caught. I wouldn't know that feeling. I want to show you all my jealousy and insecurity and instability and have you (not) care. because I'm addicted to the way I feel when I'm with you. and your eyes are always rolling, but when mine do, i tilt my head so that somehow they were still stuck on you.

I wish you could detect the sincerity in every word I write and that it would make some kind of a difference in how you'd perceive me. but wishes never seem to come true, EVEN when I send those stupid chain letters within the 60 second time limit.

do I stand a chance? (not rhetorical).

Die young and save yourselves.

brand new has always been my favorite band, but last night truly confirmed that notion. seeing them in as intimate a setting as the glasshouse was beautiful and mind-blowing. beautifully mind-blowing. sheer brilliance wrapped in a time span of one and a half hours. I wish it didn't have to end because I haven't felt this way in years.

if being in love is anywhere close to this feeling...

"One time I hit my vagina bone there, and it hurt so bad."

... the response, courtesy of heather after getting my nuts smashed while changing a trash can. I didn't know whether to be turned on by the inane statement or to gag. haha.

things that've made me happy lately are as follows:

backslaps. not stabs. lowrise jeans. ripped. text messages. damien rice. the hills. jeremie q. the phrase "vagina bone." thousand island dressing. beach bbq's. nerf guns at work. quiet time and meditation. family fun days. lauren and how she listens to Brand New's "Deja Entendu" everyday. independence day and fireworks and the fact that you wore your glasses and had a ponytail tonight. the new dc record. filipino movies with people who don't speak tagalog and people who speak too MUCH tagalog. patrick stump's rendition of "so sick." no work, all play. living it up with everyone I can live it up with because it'll never be this way again.

God, this summer is the best.

I love you but right now i just dont like you.

drama fo' yo' muh f'n mama. please be as emo as you like because I did all the right things and now I know not to treat you like a queen, especially when I'm neither interested in nor in any attempt to be your king. I've always been there for you and yet I constantly fall victim to your ever inconsistent mood swings. after all this time, I've still never benn able to figure you out. I never will. this is no way I want to spend my summer (or my life). I sure as hell have nothing to apologize for, so if theres going to be any kind of reconciliation, you'll have to take the first humble step. awkward glances and playing "ghosts in the hallway" just doesn't cut it, sister. you and I have endured and invested too much for almost seven years into this friendship, to just ball it up and throw it out the window. lets not blow it.

"I know you can list your friends but you can't count on them."

Insomnia's a pet peeve but it keeps me from dreaming of you.

sosleepycantsleep. might as well random rant. new dashboard album comes out. best buy at 9am w/ heather because we're dc dweebs. she doesn't fancy you, btw. I've heard her reasoning for why and I can't argue her points. I'm a sucker and we(ve) know(n) it. shes a hero and therapist and safety net for me everytime. thanks for st icking/aying up for me. you're one of the only girls that can put a smile on my face without smacking it right off moments later. at least so far.

sometimes I love the feeling of knowing secrets about people that don't think you know. I'm (not) sorry that I'm going to keep doing what you hate that I do. but I've got a feeling that it won't be for long. and words like "we'll hang out soon" are easier said than meant. dishonest tones of voice and stone faces. all these lips are good for are words telling you a nonchalant "I like your hair", while all my mind is good for is thoughts like "take me I'm yours." and btw -- comments aren't disabled. but this boy already is.

both pirates and warped tour -- july 7th. how awesome is that. maybe ill marry a supermodel and win a lifetime supply of coca cola that day too.

written in a dark room by some kid drinking warm uncarbonated sprite. its like 4am and this wasn't intended to make much sense. get it or don't.

nonsensical blogs are the new whatever.

A city on a hill cannot be hidden.

I just read Matthew 5 for my devotion. and I know that I'm not the godliest man, but I pray that through my life, people around me who don't know Jesus would see the difference between myself and this world. God's been so good to me, especially in this past year. for once, I've been able to keep myself disciplined and consistent in my relationship with Him with His help even amidst trials and the most confusing of times. thank you Lord for Your faithfulness and grace and patience with me. I've made countless mistakes and have st(r)ayed away from You, yet You've still chosen to call me son. I know of no way to repay the favor but please believe that i'll try my best. Kn/ow(n) this ever complicated heart of mine.

Frankie sang it best.

1. because she's beautiful and maybe I'm incredibly shallow.

2. because I'm afraid of change. like maybe this is all so routine that I don't want anything any other way because I know that my heart will be/beat different if it does change. and whether that will be a good thing or a bad thing is the question that kills me.

3. because maybe I think(hope) persistence will win over in the end.

4. because no one I've ever met compares to her or every aspect I admire about her. yet.

possible reasons why this journal is still being written in.

listen to: "I've got you under my skin."

Bummin' it at the b****.

nervous car rides and awkward "jokes." extremely tired eyes. not tired enough though to not stop from looking at you. I'm sure you must've felt it. and maybe I should apologize for believing that you are the most angelic thing walking the earth. and that the thought of spending consecutive lifetimes with you makes me indescribably happy. sometimes I think I don't have a fighting chance of ever getting over you. who woulda thunk this'd be so hard? this entry contradicts the last. as usual.

lovely day at the beach with the kids. aside from when I was getting lost, getting stuck in traffic, and the fact that I rear-ended some lady's lexus. yikes. its funny how I still can't complain. it couldve been worse. thank You Lord for keeping me safe. lots of laughs, compliments of mark f'n diaz.

real update later. or not.

I keep fixing all the habits that i break.

gah. I suck at choir. I'd quit if it wasn't so much fun. & hey. its for God. i hope pastor nate doesn't mind.

obey sale the other day was yummy. I'm eight t-shirts and two jackets richer.

I wrote about you again but deleted it because I came to my senses. I know its seemed (understatement, I know) like it these past few years, but my journal (or my life for that matter) doesn't revolve around you. & you know its getting pretty pathetic when every journal entry's about some girl you only hang out with once every six months. if even. all we're made up of is half-truths and witty sarcasm mixed with (in)considerate smiles and coerced hugs.

j-anne quilala is my best friend.

There i go with hope again.

watching (my) worlds explode and falling in "love" more than once a day. the girls of summer. killer bodies kindly kill with sympathetic smiles still pressed against my pathetic ones. all in all I don't mind. kiss & don't tell... unless/until you ask. jealousy is all I want in return. looks of disgust is all i'll get. but nothing matters because in the long run we'll never be and the short run doesn't have much of a chance either. girls who haven't had enough time to think it all through. sometimes it seems that this'll be the closest to love i'll ever get. but I've got high hopes that it isn't .

Destruction, not diary.

The flatterer gets flattened when the eyes and ears his words are meant for come back to him chaotic and disposed of. Sometimes you think writing a fancy sounding sentence about someone will be the end to your problems when in fact, it may very well be the beginning. "I miss you's" and "you're beautiful's" are taken with grains of salt as if I wrote/said the words just so I'd have something to say, or with malice as if this was all an overly dramatic way to make you miss me back(tough luck). But what I actually meant was I want to be with you so badly that the insides of my bones hurt.

This tiny keyboard will only let me type heart.

Hendrix.

P.s. This will be updated more often as I now use my phone for the internet way more than I use my laptop.

143 637.

Chin up, friends. You only live once, right? But how many times can you die? I'm a welcome mat for dirty feet and dirty hearts. I hate this compulsion to type whenever and whatever I feel. Involuntary. Much like breathing or the beating of hearts. Or the stopping of both. Sometimes I just want to drop everything. Sometimes I want to forget, but at the same time, remember and not feel. Sometimes pictures, rumors, and the clicks of these keys are all I want to be. I'm always shooting blindly and in the dark. A boy's gotta dream though, right? But even on my best day, even if and when all the stars and planets have aligned, I still couldn't come close to touching you. Neverend. You were wrong about subconciously missing you. I'm pretty much concious of it. I just try not to do anything stupid. But here I am yet again, doing something relatively stupid.

I've got precisely 143 myspace friends. Howsickeninglycute, right?

This story's getting old.

Sometimes I feel so incredibly predictable. Like the words I want to say are already in the back of your mind. Reiterated over and over until they lose what little, if any, meaning they've ever had. I'm surprised we've/it's gone on this long. (If you can call it going on). And I keep telling myself it's over but I hope that it is this time around because I really don't want to keep reading journal entries and wishing that somewhere in between the lines is something secretly about me. So here we are, and if the way it's been lately is the way it's going to be for good, I won't mind. But don't worry. You'll live on in jealous hearts and jealous eyes for years to come. At least. Sweetie, so many people would still kill to be in your shoes and sometimes it seems you're dying from it.

Tell me what to do next.

"Do your feet hurt?"

The response:

"Hi Hendrix! Lol at first I thought this was a chain mail. Anyways...wow. You're like..really courageous for doing this. I was actually moved by your letter and I actually love the idea of sitting on top of a building in our PJ's eating cereal :D I didn't know I'd create an impression on you. Is it because I wear glasses sometimes? Hahaha. You're a really nice guy, Hendrix, and I would LOVE to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner with you....but as friends. I'm really sorry, but I'm already sorta seeing this one guy... but believe me when I say this, if I wasn't dating the [him], I would have definitley taken my chances with you. You seem like a very fun, outgoing, genuine kind of guy.

But yeah, I'm truly sorry, Hendrix!! Don't feel so embarrassed. You should feel proud because most guys are really scared and this message you sent me really affected me in a good way! You know, like bonus points haha. I really love it. I just hope things don't seem awkward around us haha. For now, let's be friends, yeah? I hope you understand. Chin up. You'll meet another wonderful goofy girl soon. After all, who can resist your charm, eh? :)

Love, (her name here). P.S: Great pick up line hahaha."

Just another day in the life. Gah. You're gorgeous.

All in.

Do you ever think what if maybe the wish you made came true but for someone else instead? I don't remember where I was going with that because whatever's in my head isn't making sense. Be careful what you wish for I guess(?). Like where do wishes go when they fall short of granted? Last bets and best chances. But best chances bet best.

Wait. What?

One tall decaf coffee for Tyrone Wells.

So I totally met Tyrone Wells earlier. I know. Weird. I was working, and he came up to the register and asked for a tall decaf. I suspected it was him, and the name on the credit card confirmed my notion. We only talked for about 5 minutes, but it was still pretty cool. The conversation consisted of: The release party at the El Rey and why I can't attend, Western Christian, my "cool" name, "Better Off Without You" and "Dream Like New York". We tried calling up Katrina, but she didn't answer. That's probably because she screens her calls. I always get lucky when it comes to meeting people I admire (not necessarily "celebrity status") in the most random places. And they're always nice enough to take pictures with me, sign autographs, or make phonecalls to Katrina. I wish he'd have left a message, but I was talking him so long that there was a line behind him, so we cut it short. We shook hands, and he was like, "It was nice meeting you, Hendrix." And I was like, "Likewise. If plans fall through, I'll try to make it on Saturday." And that was the end.

Another one of those days I guess.

It's murdaaa...

I'm slowing my world down (even more). Realizing that we only make decisions for that feeling we get when we evade whatever it is that we fear most or for that first kiss feeling we get when we finally get what we love. And this is one of those entries that were made for you to (not) understand. So don't. I'd stop wishing, but I think these dreams are keeping me awake.

I'm done wishing on stars, inside tunnels, and for you.

p.s. to the biggest sweetheart ever: thanks for always taking time out to talk(or in this case, listen) and for always going that extra step especially when i can be all a-holish and emo-ey. pardon the french. the "feel-good" cd you made me will be playing on repeat for weeks on end, i can tell.

The five minute update special.

enter.

thoughts running through my mind this very second: we dream big and then wake up everyday and hunch over computer screens. || computer desktop wallpapers are, in a way, a display of your personality; character. a public exhibition of what you love or admire at any given moment. usually photographs of people, places, artwork, etc... i've got the cast of LOST on mine. haha. what's on yours? || brand new is finally on tour. || all we ever have anymore lately are "i miss you's" and "auto-responses from 'your screen name goes here'" and that makes me sad. i hear you're doing good. but... here it comes: i miss you. let's play catch-up soon. || PCC easter play 2006: as always, God had the victory in all this. we did this for His glory, and in the end, people came to Christ. so all in all it was successful, and we've made fond memories. practice was hell, but i'm going to miss it. || happy birthdays to matt van sickle and kit kat. and welcome back to eunice. || "this drink contains tapioca balls that can be a choking hazard." || my patchy beard is growing stupid. but i've actually gotten good responses so either my sister is wrong about girls hating facial hair or i'm meeting the rare few that don't, coincidentally and consecutively. actually i've been feeling like a stud lately. not only am i getting compliments on my dirty beard, but also on ragged clothing i've had for years, my shaved head, my eyes(huh??), my scent, and how "pogi" i am. what have I been doing wrong all these years?? actually the question is, what have i been doing right recently?? i'm flattered but none of it matters because 0% of these acclamations came from you. how i wish i could care less about what you thought. i've got to keep telling myself that you're nothing special. except... what if you are? || we all went to steamer's cafe AGAIN last night and had the same waitress, who recognized us. fun times with the kids. i guess that's all for the updates. i finished in four.

exit.

Cute is what I aim for.

Everything that I want to recapitulate about everything I think about is all scrambled up in my head. The difficulty is attempting to narrate it in a way that you (or I) can interpret. But it's 3:09am so I won't really try that hard and I feel like writing/typing run-on sentences with no regards to grammar. I am going to say some incredibly random things right now but whatever spills from these fingertips is what I feel. Sometimes you want everything to go faster and be over but sometimes you want just the opposite. Sometimes you just want people to ask the "are you okay's" and say the "you seem kind of sad lately's" so you can respond with the "no, i'm fine's" when you know and they know that you aren't. And it's lame but it's true. Stop giving me the attention that I want because I don't want it. I want to do something with this life. Something productive. I want to contribute to... anything. I want to be useful; romantic. Let's all be less... emo-ey. Let's stop pretending to unbreak our "poor" little hearts that were never broken in the first place because we need to recognize that there are priorities exceedingly more significant. We become more unhealthy with every breath we take. We're losing grip on our youth as each birthday passes. You're probably thinking I'm worried but I'm everything but. I'm just realizing that there's more to "it all" than we think. How about we do this (life) thing right and live it happy and to the fullest? But all I am is a big talker because I know the moment I see you tonight, I'll forget all this and thus fall subject to the pulchritude of your eyes and smile and wish you had the latter because of any (IF any) charm I possess and/or demonstrate.

My iPod is on shuffle, and I'm smiling because the Postal Service is on. :-)

Scary kids scaring kids in Walnut.

Fun weekend. Lunch with Heather, Jessica, and Anthony was particulary pleasant. Heather is amazing and I'm jealous of Jeff and that's why "Between You and Me" is my song for her. Enough about that because crushes on other boys' girlfriends are stupid. Scary kids scaring kids in haunted parks and schools should be a weekly activity. It was too much-- in a good way. Let's do some shoutouts: Big ups to my niggas Angel, Andy, K, Raleigh, Steph, Kitkat, Daniel, Kris, Ronald, and Mark, yo. Blah blah blah. I'm not in the mood to write. I'll probably be back to re-edit. EDIT: I'm probably not going to be back to re-edit. And I'm listening to too much rap lately. EDIT again: I re-edited.

I gotta testify, come up in the spot lookin' extra fly.

In an unexpected twist of fate, our two heroes meet.

As told by Anthony Sim of Horse on an Arrow himself:

"I met Hendrix on a recon mission back in '87. The Cubans had Hendrix captive after a failed mission 2 years prior. My team infiltrated the camp where he was located and found him lying on the ground asleep with a beard as long as his hair. We've been friends ever since!!!!"

It didn't happen exactly like that, but it's an accurate depiction.

Snitches and talkers get stitches and walkers.

Rule: Write a statement intended for 10 random people and never tell which one is intended for.

01. You confuse me. You know you can't have what you want, yet you press on toward it, embarrassingly and without a hint of subtlety with the hope that perserverance will be the determining factor in all this. All while trying not to look so desperate. Maybe one day you'll either take a chance and move on, or finally take a chance and aquire what you've been pursuing. It looks as though taking a chance is imminent either way. And I honestly don't know which path you should take because persistence is good, but to an extent. But where is that limit line? My best advice to you is to continue to be patient, not try so hard, and keep your options open. As hard as that may be.

02. You are gorgeous, and you've got a smile that kills me everytime. I feel like an idiot when you're around. Imagine a boy full of nerves. I've got all the words at the tip of my tongue, but everytime I go to say them, they slip down my throat and I choke. I know you know but I don't. I'd stop writing about you, but then this journal would be unsatisfying and boring. I hope you don't mind. I can't (but you can) help that you've got qualities I've always looked for. You've got a heart for serving God. You're incredibly intelligent and kind, strong-willed and determined. At least these are the things I percieve about you. I don't know you and I won't pretend that I do, but I would love to get to and find that all the perceptions I have about you are true. In the same manner, I hope all the perceptions you have about ME prove false.

03. Yeah buddy. Thank you for always being there no matter what. I've been praying for you and am overjoyed and relieved to know that Jesus Christ is your Savior. I'll be here to answer any questions you've got and to listen whenever you need someone to. As always.

04. Come back already. Crap.

05. You're an awesome girl. So please stop being a whore.

06. Life is more than just sleeping, schoolwork, and books. All this time, I've wanted you to just have fun, relax, and be able to not stress out over things you will inevitably forget. Lately you've been choosing research papers over me, which is why I've stopped calling, but remember: You won't be this young forever, so please enjoy it while it lasts. You'll regret it if you don't. Call me sometime because I DO miss hanging out with you.

07. Things are pretty much back to normal between you and I. I mean, except for the hanging out everyday part. Nonetheless, I love how it is right now. Jerk.

08. I am proud of you and the person you've grown up to be. But sometimes I wish you wouldn't see or talk to me as if I was inferior to you. Because I'm not.

09. You've put yourself into this situation, and I hate the fact that you haven't manned-up to your responsibilities to your family. Grow up. You've forced yourself to have to.

10. I love how faithful You are to me. I don't deserve a thing. All I can do is hope and pray that I can return the favor as best I can. Nothing I could say could ever describe exactly how I feel in my heart. Just as well though, because You are the only One who could ever know that.

Best guesses go to hendrix.derosas@gmail.com.

Church hopping.

Since PCC was still having their family camp, I didn't have a church to go to this morning for worship service. Fortunately, I mentioned this to Cathy(Stephanie's friend) on friday, who then invited me to her church. Long story short: It was incredibly surprising and hilarious how their vietnamese church and our filipino church have so much in common. Services, sunday schools, and even the people reminded me of our church. I had an awesome time and even got to stick around with Cathy in their leader's meeting. I was blessed and I'll keep that church in my prayers. God's using them mightily. To Cathy(if she ever reads this): Thank you for inviting me and being a great host and tour guide.

By the way, Gil Grissom and the rest of the CSI team are my heroes.

Blindfolded.

"So now I've made the decision to walk behind you in the dark for the rest of my life. And I'll never show my face again because it's too scarred and bloody to be enough and I don't have all the right stuff. All I have are empty boxes to carry away your heart. And I think that tonight, I will sneak into your house and I'll sing songs and wake you up and I'll take you blindfolded dancing onto bridges and you'll say that you don't want to be with me. Because no one ever does, and no one ever thinks of me that way. But I will still drive you home if you never let me forget about you and if you promise me that I'm good enough for someone. Because I've got to be good enough for you, and someday soon I'll get it right and then you'll see just how good I can be. So don't ask me about forever because I'm feeling lost. But there's got to be someplace for me because where will I go? Will there be some place for me and will you be waiting there for me? If and when we get there, please catch me before I crawl all the way home, but I won't stop until you do."

This doesn't relate to my life or anything. I just really love Saves the Day. Ahem.

Lighter notes.

So I woke up this morning(9am) and read my own entry from this morning(3am). I couldn't help but think to myself: I would so hate to be you. You put up with so much and I don't know how you do it. Your patience(or at least your composure) is admirable. I've no intentions of making things awkward or weird. The previous entry was merely an amalgamation of thoughts, feelings, and emotions put into lowercases and capitals that I've had bottled in for God knows how long. I won't delete it, but I hope we can proceed going on with the way things are now, because I love how all of it is. High five me with a sincere smile on your face when i see you next.

Haha. I titled this lighter notes but lately, every entry I've planned to type has not come out as intended. Chalk it up to ungodly amounts of CocaCola and screamo. So ON A LIGHTER NOTE: Sunnydaysafterrainydaysmakemesmile. I've just purchased the Underoath CD/DVD and I'm in love. I was immensely upset at the fact that the TBS show at the HOB was sold out. But I talked to one of our Starbucks regulars last night, and apparently, he might have two extra tickets. If his friends bail, he's willing to sell one to me. I'm not getting my hopes up yet though. My journey through the book of Galatians is a total blessing, as well as an eye-opener. I'll address that in a future entry though. Miss Heather Peraza and I have made plans to see Jenny Lewis & the Watson Twins at the Glasshouse. Can't wait. I'm still sick and I haven't got a voice, but I detect hints of wellness. I think that's all I'll type for now. I'll close with some Underoath lyrics: "Hey unfaithful, I will teach you to be stronger. Hey ungrateful, I will teach you to forgive one another. Hey unloving, I will love you."

God's good all the time. And I absolutely adore Christian screamo. Gah.

Dear polygraph machine: Pretend you don't know me so well, I won't tell if you lie.

Did I mention that brutal honesty is in in 2006? I'm caught in utter denial but I've always known, so that probably doesn't even count as denial. I've been telling myself "meet new people" or "try to find an interest in just about anybody" in attempts to get over you. And I know that that seems irrational and immature and incredibly pathetic. And I'm always trying so hard not to look so desperate, to no avail. My ideas aren't always the best. Or the most intelligent. I just desperately need to find a way to make any feelings I have for you somewhat neutral. But nobody I've ever met compares to you or every aspect I admire about you. And I despise the fact that you inspire paintings, sketches, journal entries and any and every ounce of creativity I possess. And the fact that you haven't and may never feel the same about me. It hurts, but if I've learned anything in the month of February, it's this: God has a plan for me and has my perfect mate in mind, and will intercede at the perfect time because He is perfect. So I guess my prayer requests will consist of: patience, strength, guidance, and to continue to keep Him in focus and as top priority as I live the life He's given me the privilege of living. But you'll constantly be in my prayers. And dreams. At least for now. And we all know that I know that you know that this is to you. Subtlety is so 2005. Pleasedon'tkillorhateme. I just want to get all this out in the open. I've got hopes that this entry won't be regrettable.If anything, just

don't believe a word I've said because I think I'm high off this cough medicine.

Remember that one time at Red Robin?

Drama fo' yo' momma tonight. But only the false kind. And idiocy again prevails. But it doesn't beat that one time at Rubio's. What a wonderful caricature of intimacy. You've gotta love PCC and the people in it.

And man, I'm full.

Breakdance. Not hearts. (The ins and outs of 2006.)

In:
-Falling in love with complete strangers.
-Drama and gossip.
-The music.
-Waking up at 9am.
-Huge watches that hurt wrists.
-Love.
-Brutal honesty.
-Real life friend deleting.
-You.

Out:
-Falling in love with your best friend. That is so cliche.
-Keeping secrets.
-The scene.
-Going to sleep at 9am.
-Huge belt buckles that hurt waists.
-Lust. To an extent.
-Lying.
-Myspace friend deleting.
-You.

Keep these things in mind. Unless you don't want to be cool.

The great Anaheim Hills fire of 2006.

Driving down the 91 east at midnight, admiring the reddish-orangish glow in the distance, just over the hills. Such a beautiful sight, yet in the back of my mind, I can't help but think about how the very thing I am in awe of is destroying any and everything in it's path and how I have to keep a distance. Clinging to familiarity is what I do best, but it's a new year. Let's experiment with new hobbies, discover new people, and get out of comfort zones. That's something I've always been inept at. There's a bigger picture. Paint it. And lastly, don't believe the hype.

Brains are incredibly sexy.

This smooth ride surprisingly ended in wreckage.

This little deviant is back. I'm preparing for all the inevitable "I-told-you-so's". And ironically, yet not surprisingly, the first one's from myself. Things are going SO well. Things are going SO bad. All at the same time. And I don't know how/what to feel. This is my mood at the moment. "Complicated" comes to mind. I'm still waiting for life to turn around, look at me, yell "Sike!" and make everything perfect. Or at least the way things SHOULD be. Because right now, things aren't. As soon as I figured myself out, I forgot it all. Please send out my "piss off and drop dead's" and "I miss you's" accordingly.

I'm chemically unbalanced. I feel like breakdancing. No I don't.