“I’m almost never serious, and I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I’m like a collection of paradoxes.”

– Ferdinand Von Schrubentauffr

Comic books. | Taken with my Canon T1i.

Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen (Chap. 9, Pg. 27)

“But the world is so full of people , so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget… I forget.

We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another’s vantage point, as if new, it may still take the breath away.”

Dan Harmon, about Community

“This is a show about broken people. All of them are quite alone, some involuntarily, some by their own hand, some without realizing it, but none of them come to the study room table with the emotional advantages held by that mythical creature known as ‘a normal person.’ There are no normal people, there are just different kinds of weird, all of it is human and all humanity is better than everything inhuman.”

Honesty Hour

Avengers Youth Camp was a blessing, although I never quite know what to do with that spiritual high. A part of me knows that that’s exactly what it is — something temporary if not built upon — and as much as I want to at least gain momentum from that, it’s hard to keep it consistent. I guess that’s where prayer should come in. Matters of the heart and gray areas and Christian freedoms and this obligation (though it shouldn’t be) to have to live a certain way can be so confusing though. And it isn’t a question at all who I should pray TO, it’s just the fact that I don’t even know what to pray FOR anymore. I know I’m blessed, I know my faith is solid. It’s just a weird time for me right now and as I’m reading Crazy Love, I kind of despise the fact that I might be taking advantage of this Grace. And I also despise the fact that I’m not really taking that last fact as motivation to change.

Sidenote: Oh, and PCC BP, just when I’m starting to miss you, you give me so many reasons not to. Anyway, that’s all.

“I believed that I wanted to be a poet, but deep down I just wanted to be a poem.”

-Jaime Gil De Bieda

BTM Bonfire

More photos from this set HERE.

Independence Day Blurb

Ok, best 4th of July ever. EVER.

Katrina Alaia, drive to Brea, closed favorite restaurants in Fullerton and Diamond Bar, Chickfila, Ontario Mills with Tita Cyn, plus Steph, Dan, Ron Tua, Barbecue, Vantage Point, driving through the streets of La Puente following the sights and sounds of fireworks and finding the biggest and most dangerous ones in the residentials (tha hood, haha), gangsta rap switched to KOST, 10pm ice cream trucks, dead battery ice cream trucks, jump starting an ice cream truck, getting free ice cream in return, and fireworks on the way back, all with amazing, amazing company. Good day, I didn’t even have to use my AK.

Drix, in search of self (portraits)

#angiebear

She makes me feel so angry and so hopeful and so courageous and so stupid all at once. It’s ridiculous how all I want is to be with her. She’s a snake. She’s horrible. She’s all I want, but she really isn’t. I wish she’d go away. This isn’t love, not even “like”, it’s infatuation, obsession. I do though. I want to love her. Hold her in my arms. Comfort her. Make her jealous. Make her as angry as she makes me. Give her soft kisses on the neck. Hold her hand. Make her laugh. Feel, touch, taste, fuck. Make her feel special. I want to hate her. Use her. Make fun of/compliment her mole/beauty mark. Keep her safe. Look into her beautiful eyes. I want to know her. Make her happy. Truly happy. Make her mine. These are all things she’ll never let me do. And maybe she’s what I deserve. But she sure as hell doesn’t deserve me. Or maybe she does/we do.

It's nice to be needed

Text-based blogs are so 2001

I was reading a few blogs on Blogger and WordPress earlier, and it’s amazing how many people still write for themselves — not for comments or reblogs or “likes” — about their lives, their experiences, all in explicit detail. Long, intelligent, beautiful passages. Imagine that!

After being on Tumblr for so long, you forget that there are more substancial topics to write and read about. You forget that you yourself were capable of writing about such things. Our dashboards are filled with reblogged beautiful photos and art and quotes and excerpts from books but most times, they’re just things we like, not objects that will recall memories of certain situations and experiences in life. Emphasis on the word “most” before some of you crucify me, because who am I to say what you might be able to recall or not recall, because honestly, one song lyric could mean the world at times.

I also feel that many on Tumblr cater to their followers and friends, making sure they’re percieved a certain way. I’ve been guilty of the same “crime”, in a sense, picking and choosing my words, my photos, omitting certain insights or opinions to avoid judgement or gain more “likes” or reblogs. But it’s difficult; we actually DO have to censor ourselves because we know exactly who’s following and reading our posts, as well as how each might react. It’s such a far jump from how I used to blog, when it was all strangers reading each others heartaches, venting sessions, or joyful moments. I wore my heart on my sleeve then, without fear, although I don’t really know which is better, bottling certain things up, or letting it all out.

This isn’t a post to impose some kind of condescension upon Tumblr members, but to convey an appreciation for those who genuinely write from the heart, without a longing for affirmation from either friends or strangers. I’ve also hoped that might be an inspiration to those who have only known Tumblr, to explore, read, learn, write, and appreciate beyond what they know Tumblr to be, because there are some incredible text-based blogs, not just on Blogger or WordPress, but even on Tumblr as well. They’re just hard to find, and even when we do stumble across one, we aren’t inclined to click the “follow” button.

Apologies and apologies

And apologies to those who know me and somehow find this blog. Tumblr, twitter, and facebook are no longer safehavens for what I truly want to say out loud (in a sense.) It may be an unhealthy outlet, but fuck, it helps for “the now.”

“Honestly, I’m rapping about everything I go through. Everything I’m sayin’, I’m super sayin’, like Goku.” -Childish Gambino.

Shows is shows is shows, man

Thrice farewell show at Club Nokia, LA. Allen Stone at the Observatory, OC. Dashboard Confessional at House of Blues Anaheim. Childish Gambino at the Palladium, LA.

Hoes is hoes is hoes, man

Dedicated to Angela Ha. Little game-playing cunt. Kind of mean but Ha, her last name. More heart and ache to share coming soon.

You said I wasn’t capable of loving you, I never was

A 20-something nigga tourin’ the world w/ hella buzz

I’m saying that my life’s swell, Cortazone

Fuck Macaulay Culkin, never goin’ home alone

iPhone photos, show ‘em just to mock you

Read your Twitter messages, too proud to block you

Spread shit around: “You know that his glasses fake”

That’s why I’m dating girls now who asses ain’t

“Damn, Donald, why you gotta be so mean”

I’m a nice guy, that’s why you broke up with me

You probably in the club dancing to this right now

Play it cool, text me when you walk out

It’s just childish 

- Rolling in the Deep (Childish Gambino remix)

Books and books and books, man

Well technically, one book, one magazine, and one comic. Haha.

Current reads:
On page 103 of Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84
the main article about Solar Storms in the June issue of National Geographic
& The Incredible Hulk #92 (Part 1 of the Planet Hulk Saga).

#nookreader #

Photoshoot fresh, lookin' like wealth

Model: Aimee

More photos from this set HERE.

The disney life

Sometimes I wish life was like a Disney film. Somewhat good-natured, filled with happiness and hope and adventure.

Or maybe it is; I’m just still at the confusing and challenging and distressing part of the movie. The part where the main character is in search of self, where his/her perspective is all wrong, where everything good is taken for granted. It’s assumed that eventually at some point, something life-changing will happen, a new important character will make an appearance, or something inspiring or motivating will come up, right? The situation might be painful, it might be encouraging and painless; But in the end, before the credits roll, we’re left knowing that every piece has fallen into place for the better. Characters usually fall in love or mend family relationships or develop life-long friendships or find, without a doubt, their purpose, who they truly are, and live happily ever after.

But how does this one end? With the way things have been going, I’m starting to think that I’m the villain in this story.

Calvin the wise

It’s funny, but of all the books I’ve read and re-read as a kid (to the present even), Calvin and Hobbes has always been a staple of how I perceive friendship, love, my parents, school, nature, the universe, and even God, albeit subtly. More than just a comic strip, profound ideas and ideologies can be found within the humor. Did I mention that I have the ENTIRE collection? Ten years of collecting, but it is now complete.

The girl 1,880 miles away

It wasn’t love, of course it wasn’t love, I never suspected it to be, or even saw it as more than what it was, whatever it was. But damn, if the past six months weren’t beautiful.

She was so eloquent, yet always at a loss for words. Or at least not the right ones at the right moment. She described “it” best though, as those closest to me can attest to. Even if the words entirely weren’t hers, they entirely were her words, unmistakably genuine and true and perfect. And so it is, a good, though not particularly happy, ending.

And I guess all we can ever really be Is grateful.

Local platonic valentine

Honestly, just another Tuesday with K. Alaia and BK value menu items, leftover Del Taco, frozen taquitos, and Shasta. Haha.

Long-distance valentine

“Thank you so much for the flowers, I was so surprised. No ones ever gotten me flowers before! :) Omg I want to hug you.”

Destined for greatness/failure

We all want to be admired in some way or another. Sub-thoughts and points regarding the topic jumbled in my mind; selfishness, self-glorification, motives for doing certain things, self-worth, just a lot of self -- even in selflessness. Art and intelligence and eloquence and blog entries and work and possessions and missions trips and ministries and hearts and halves. And have-nots. Sorry, this is impossible to follow, foggy in my head, even worse on paper/keyboards/computer monitors, but I (kind of and don't) understand. Just a little more observant, a little too judgemental lately.

I honestly don't remember a non-cynical me.

Endless talks with Katrina lately consisting of just about every type of relational situation and this is me coming to grips with the fact that I might not be cut out for ANY such situation, even the superficial and unmeaningful ones. And I've always had this idea of myself in my mind: self-less and romantic and considerate and hopeful and chivalrous, and maybe I was once, or maybe it was just wishful thinking, or some kind of arrogance. Seems lately my only goal is to be less of a prick -- and I'm failing at it.

What is this broken-ness anyway? It isn't as if anything substantial or devestating has happened to me particularly. As of late though, mind has been blown over processing the ideals of friendships and love and the ending or struggles of both. And forgiveness. And maybe Katrina's right and I'm just really empathetic.

And as much as I am cynical, or how I rant of loss of faith in people and love, and my own fears of being able to cope in certain situations, and this constant sense of discouragement -- Do I have a genuine hope that that isn't always the case? That there exists an unconditional love even in human relationships, with one another?

I really do.

And I'm scared that that'll either make me indescribably happy in the end or shatter me completely.

We usually know what decisions we should make

And most of us do whatever the opposite of that decision is because I think, in the moment, it makes us feel better even if in the end, it might not have been the right choice. There’s always this need to distract ourselves from whatever is worrying us, depressing us, hurting us, pissing us off.

Anyway, this is an apology to my lungs. Again.

Moments

These past few weeks consisting of sporadic periods of time each filled with indescribable happiness, a consistent sense of hopelessness in human relationships, incredible bitterness and anger, heart-crushing conviction, indifference, gut-wrenching honesty, guilt-less half-truths, endless and infinite confusion regarding every aspect of everything.

(Il)logical solution equals flavored-smoke-filled lungs and perfectly executed rings.

“These days I just can’t seem to say what I mean. I just can’t. Every time I try to say something, it misses the point. Either that or I end up saying the opposite of what I mean. The more I try to get it right the more mixed up it gets. Sometimes I can’t even remember what I was trying to say in the first place. It’s like my body’s split in two and one of me is chasing the other me around a big pillar. We’re running circles around it. The other me has the right words, but I can never catch her.”

-Haruki Murakami, excerpt from Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman

hope/less

Love. I believe in it less and less. Even good people in love do some messed up ish. And I'm pretty much scum, so yeah, bad situation.

Mac and Devin go to high school

That Snoop Dogg and Wiz Khalifa album is so freakin' chill, man. I really love it's musicality, but wish that it's lyrical content contained more than just their affinity for marijuana and getting high.

Nevertheless, album is on repeat. Haha.

AFG Missionaries 2011 by EZ Nadua

Just blessed to be a part of God's work and to fellowship with his servants.

Andreaaaaa

lustconquerslove:

hendriiix:

lustconquerslove:

It was a happy day.

Shooting this beauty sometime next month if time/fate allows. Please fate, allow. Haha.

So sweeeeet! It will happen.

Fingers crossed. We’ll talk about it in more detail soon. :)

Heart hurts

Taking it out on my lungs.