I love you but right now i just dont like you.

drama fo' yo' muh f'n mama. please be as emo as you like because I did all the right things and now I know not to treat you like a queen, especially when I'm neither interested in nor in any attempt to be your king. I've always been there for you and yet I constantly fall victim to your ever inconsistent mood swings. after all this time, I've still never benn able to figure you out. I never will. this is no way I want to spend my summer (or my life). I sure as hell have nothing to apologize for, so if theres going to be any kind of reconciliation, you'll have to take the first humble step. awkward glances and playing "ghosts in the hallway" just doesn't cut it, sister. you and I have endured and invested too much for almost seven years into this friendship, to just ball it up and throw it out the window. lets not blow it.

"I know you can list your friends but you can't count on them."

Insomnia's a pet peeve but it keeps me from dreaming of you.

sosleepycantsleep. might as well random rant. new dashboard album comes out. best buy at 9am w/ heather because we're dc dweebs. she doesn't fancy you, btw. I've heard her reasoning for why and I can't argue her points. I'm a sucker and we(ve) know(n) it. shes a hero and therapist and safety net for me everytime. thanks for st icking/aying up for me. you're one of the only girls that can put a smile on my face without smacking it right off moments later. at least so far.

sometimes I love the feeling of knowing secrets about people that don't think you know. I'm (not) sorry that I'm going to keep doing what you hate that I do. but I've got a feeling that it won't be for long. and words like "we'll hang out soon" are easier said than meant. dishonest tones of voice and stone faces. all these lips are good for are words telling you a nonchalant "I like your hair", while all my mind is good for is thoughts like "take me I'm yours." and btw -- comments aren't disabled. but this boy already is.

both pirates and warped tour -- july 7th. how awesome is that. maybe ill marry a supermodel and win a lifetime supply of coca cola that day too.

written in a dark room by some kid drinking warm uncarbonated sprite. its like 4am and this wasn't intended to make much sense. get it or don't.

nonsensical blogs are the new whatever.

A city on a hill cannot be hidden.

I just read Matthew 5 for my devotion. and I know that I'm not the godliest man, but I pray that through my life, people around me who don't know Jesus would see the difference between myself and this world. God's been so good to me, especially in this past year. for once, I've been able to keep myself disciplined and consistent in my relationship with Him with His help even amidst trials and the most confusing of times. thank you Lord for Your faithfulness and grace and patience with me. I've made countless mistakes and have st(r)ayed away from You, yet You've still chosen to call me son. I know of no way to repay the favor but please believe that i'll try my best. Kn/ow(n) this ever complicated heart of mine.

Frankie sang it best.

1. because she's beautiful and maybe I'm incredibly shallow.

2. because I'm afraid of change. like maybe this is all so routine that I don't want anything any other way because I know that my heart will be/beat different if it does change. and whether that will be a good thing or a bad thing is the question that kills me.

3. because maybe I think(hope) persistence will win over in the end.

4. because no one I've ever met compares to her or every aspect I admire about her. yet.

possible reasons why this journal is still being written in.

listen to: "I've got you under my skin."

Bummin' it at the b****.

nervous car rides and awkward "jokes." extremely tired eyes. not tired enough though to not stop from looking at you. I'm sure you must've felt it. and maybe I should apologize for believing that you are the most angelic thing walking the earth. and that the thought of spending consecutive lifetimes with you makes me indescribably happy. sometimes I think I don't have a fighting chance of ever getting over you. who woulda thunk this'd be so hard? this entry contradicts the last. as usual.

lovely day at the beach with the kids. aside from when I was getting lost, getting stuck in traffic, and the fact that I rear-ended some lady's lexus. yikes. its funny how I still can't complain. it couldve been worse. thank You Lord for keeping me safe. lots of laughs, compliments of mark f'n diaz.

real update later. or not.

I keep fixing all the habits that i break.

gah. I suck at choir. I'd quit if it wasn't so much fun. & hey. its for God. i hope pastor nate doesn't mind.

obey sale the other day was yummy. I'm eight t-shirts and two jackets richer.

I wrote about you again but deleted it because I came to my senses. I know its seemed (understatement, I know) like it these past few years, but my journal (or my life for that matter) doesn't revolve around you. & you know its getting pretty pathetic when every journal entry's about some girl you only hang out with once every six months. if even. all we're made up of is half-truths and witty sarcasm mixed with (in)considerate smiles and coerced hugs.

j-anne quilala is my best friend.

There i go with hope again.

watching (my) worlds explode and falling in "love" more than once a day. the girls of summer. killer bodies kindly kill with sympathetic smiles still pressed against my pathetic ones. all in all I don't mind. kiss & don't tell... unless/until you ask. jealousy is all I want in return. looks of disgust is all i'll get. but nothing matters because in the long run we'll never be and the short run doesn't have much of a chance either. girls who haven't had enough time to think it all through. sometimes it seems that this'll be the closest to love i'll ever get. but I've got high hopes that it isn't .

Destruction, not diary.

The flatterer gets flattened when the eyes and ears his words are meant for come back to him chaotic and disposed of. Sometimes you think writing a fancy sounding sentence about someone will be the end to your problems when in fact, it may very well be the beginning. "I miss you's" and "you're beautiful's" are taken with grains of salt as if I wrote/said the words just so I'd have something to say, or with malice as if this was all an overly dramatic way to make you miss me back(tough luck). But what I actually meant was I want to be with you so badly that the insides of my bones hurt.

This tiny keyboard will only let me type heart.

Hendrix.

P.s. This will be updated more often as I now use my phone for the internet way more than I use my laptop.

143 637.

Chin up, friends. You only live once, right? But how many times can you die? I'm a welcome mat for dirty feet and dirty hearts. I hate this compulsion to type whenever and whatever I feel. Involuntary. Much like breathing or the beating of hearts. Or the stopping of both. Sometimes I just want to drop everything. Sometimes I want to forget, but at the same time, remember and not feel. Sometimes pictures, rumors, and the clicks of these keys are all I want to be. I'm always shooting blindly and in the dark. A boy's gotta dream though, right? But even on my best day, even if and when all the stars and planets have aligned, I still couldn't come close to touching you. Neverend. You were wrong about subconciously missing you. I'm pretty much concious of it. I just try not to do anything stupid. But here I am yet again, doing something relatively stupid.

I've got precisely 143 myspace friends. Howsickeninglycute, right?

This story's getting old.

Sometimes I feel so incredibly predictable. Like the words I want to say are already in the back of your mind. Reiterated over and over until they lose what little, if any, meaning they've ever had. I'm surprised we've/it's gone on this long. (If you can call it going on). And I keep telling myself it's over but I hope that it is this time around because I really don't want to keep reading journal entries and wishing that somewhere in between the lines is something secretly about me. So here we are, and if the way it's been lately is the way it's going to be for good, I won't mind. But don't worry. You'll live on in jealous hearts and jealous eyes for years to come. At least. Sweetie, so many people would still kill to be in your shoes and sometimes it seems you're dying from it.

Tell me what to do next.

"Do your feet hurt?"

The response:

"Hi Hendrix! Lol at first I thought this was a chain mail. Anyways...wow. You're like..really courageous for doing this. I was actually moved by your letter and I actually love the idea of sitting on top of a building in our PJ's eating cereal :D I didn't know I'd create an impression on you. Is it because I wear glasses sometimes? Hahaha. You're a really nice guy, Hendrix, and I would LOVE to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner with you....but as friends. I'm really sorry, but I'm already sorta seeing this one guy... but believe me when I say this, if I wasn't dating the [him], I would have definitley taken my chances with you. You seem like a very fun, outgoing, genuine kind of guy.

But yeah, I'm truly sorry, Hendrix!! Don't feel so embarrassed. You should feel proud because most guys are really scared and this message you sent me really affected me in a good way! You know, like bonus points haha. I really love it. I just hope things don't seem awkward around us haha. For now, let's be friends, yeah? I hope you understand. Chin up. You'll meet another wonderful goofy girl soon. After all, who can resist your charm, eh? :)

Love, (her name here). P.S: Great pick up line hahaha."

Just another day in the life. Gah. You're gorgeous.

All in.

Do you ever think what if maybe the wish you made came true but for someone else instead? I don't remember where I was going with that because whatever's in my head isn't making sense. Be careful what you wish for I guess(?). Like where do wishes go when they fall short of granted? Last bets and best chances. But best chances bet best.

Wait. What?

One tall decaf coffee for Tyrone Wells.

So I totally met Tyrone Wells earlier. I know. Weird. I was working, and he came up to the register and asked for a tall decaf. I suspected it was him, and the name on the credit card confirmed my notion. We only talked for about 5 minutes, but it was still pretty cool. The conversation consisted of: The release party at the El Rey and why I can't attend, Western Christian, my "cool" name, "Better Off Without You" and "Dream Like New York". We tried calling up Katrina, but she didn't answer. That's probably because she screens her calls. I always get lucky when it comes to meeting people I admire (not necessarily "celebrity status") in the most random places. And they're always nice enough to take pictures with me, sign autographs, or make phonecalls to Katrina. I wish he'd have left a message, but I was talking him so long that there was a line behind him, so we cut it short. We shook hands, and he was like, "It was nice meeting you, Hendrix." And I was like, "Likewise. If plans fall through, I'll try to make it on Saturday." And that was the end.

Another one of those days I guess.

It's murdaaa...

I'm slowing my world down (even more). Realizing that we only make decisions for that feeling we get when we evade whatever it is that we fear most or for that first kiss feeling we get when we finally get what we love. And this is one of those entries that were made for you to (not) understand. So don't. I'd stop wishing, but I think these dreams are keeping me awake.

I'm done wishing on stars, inside tunnels, and for you.

p.s. to the biggest sweetheart ever: thanks for always taking time out to talk(or in this case, listen) and for always going that extra step especially when i can be all a-holish and emo-ey. pardon the french. the "feel-good" cd you made me will be playing on repeat for weeks on end, i can tell.

The five minute update special.

enter.

thoughts running through my mind this very second: we dream big and then wake up everyday and hunch over computer screens. || computer desktop wallpapers are, in a way, a display of your personality; character. a public exhibition of what you love or admire at any given moment. usually photographs of people, places, artwork, etc... i've got the cast of LOST on mine. haha. what's on yours? || brand new is finally on tour. || all we ever have anymore lately are "i miss you's" and "auto-responses from 'your screen name goes here'" and that makes me sad. i hear you're doing good. but... here it comes: i miss you. let's play catch-up soon. || PCC easter play 2006: as always, God had the victory in all this. we did this for His glory, and in the end, people came to Christ. so all in all it was successful, and we've made fond memories. practice was hell, but i'm going to miss it. || happy birthdays to matt van sickle and kit kat. and welcome back to eunice. || "this drink contains tapioca balls that can be a choking hazard." || my patchy beard is growing stupid. but i've actually gotten good responses so either my sister is wrong about girls hating facial hair or i'm meeting the rare few that don't, coincidentally and consecutively. actually i've been feeling like a stud lately. not only am i getting compliments on my dirty beard, but also on ragged clothing i've had for years, my shaved head, my eyes(huh??), my scent, and how "pogi" i am. what have I been doing wrong all these years?? actually the question is, what have i been doing right recently?? i'm flattered but none of it matters because 0% of these acclamations came from you. how i wish i could care less about what you thought. i've got to keep telling myself that you're nothing special. except... what if you are? || we all went to steamer's cafe AGAIN last night and had the same waitress, who recognized us. fun times with the kids. i guess that's all for the updates. i finished in four.

exit.

Cute is what I aim for.

Everything that I want to recapitulate about everything I think about is all scrambled up in my head. The difficulty is attempting to narrate it in a way that you (or I) can interpret. But it's 3:09am so I won't really try that hard and I feel like writing/typing run-on sentences with no regards to grammar. I am going to say some incredibly random things right now but whatever spills from these fingertips is what I feel. Sometimes you want everything to go faster and be over but sometimes you want just the opposite. Sometimes you just want people to ask the "are you okay's" and say the "you seem kind of sad lately's" so you can respond with the "no, i'm fine's" when you know and they know that you aren't. And it's lame but it's true. Stop giving me the attention that I want because I don't want it. I want to do something with this life. Something productive. I want to contribute to... anything. I want to be useful; romantic. Let's all be less... emo-ey. Let's stop pretending to unbreak our "poor" little hearts that were never broken in the first place because we need to recognize that there are priorities exceedingly more significant. We become more unhealthy with every breath we take. We're losing grip on our youth as each birthday passes. You're probably thinking I'm worried but I'm everything but. I'm just realizing that there's more to "it all" than we think. How about we do this (life) thing right and live it happy and to the fullest? But all I am is a big talker because I know the moment I see you tonight, I'll forget all this and thus fall subject to the pulchritude of your eyes and smile and wish you had the latter because of any (IF any) charm I possess and/or demonstrate.

My iPod is on shuffle, and I'm smiling because the Postal Service is on. :-)

Scary kids scaring kids in Walnut.

Fun weekend. Lunch with Heather, Jessica, and Anthony was particulary pleasant. Heather is amazing and I'm jealous of Jeff and that's why "Between You and Me" is my song for her. Enough about that because crushes on other boys' girlfriends are stupid. Scary kids scaring kids in haunted parks and schools should be a weekly activity. It was too much-- in a good way. Let's do some shoutouts: Big ups to my niggas Angel, Andy, K, Raleigh, Steph, Kitkat, Daniel, Kris, Ronald, and Mark, yo. Blah blah blah. I'm not in the mood to write. I'll probably be back to re-edit. EDIT: I'm probably not going to be back to re-edit. And I'm listening to too much rap lately. EDIT again: I re-edited.

I gotta testify, come up in the spot lookin' extra fly.

In an unexpected twist of fate, our two heroes meet.

As told by Anthony Sim of Horse on an Arrow himself:

"I met Hendrix on a recon mission back in '87. The Cubans had Hendrix captive after a failed mission 2 years prior. My team infiltrated the camp where he was located and found him lying on the ground asleep with a beard as long as his hair. We've been friends ever since!!!!"

It didn't happen exactly like that, but it's an accurate depiction.

Snitches and talkers get stitches and walkers.

Rule: Write a statement intended for 10 random people and never tell which one is intended for.

01. You confuse me. You know you can't have what you want, yet you press on toward it, embarrassingly and without a hint of subtlety with the hope that perserverance will be the determining factor in all this. All while trying not to look so desperate. Maybe one day you'll either take a chance and move on, or finally take a chance and aquire what you've been pursuing. It looks as though taking a chance is imminent either way. And I honestly don't know which path you should take because persistence is good, but to an extent. But where is that limit line? My best advice to you is to continue to be patient, not try so hard, and keep your options open. As hard as that may be.

02. You are gorgeous, and you've got a smile that kills me everytime. I feel like an idiot when you're around. Imagine a boy full of nerves. I've got all the words at the tip of my tongue, but everytime I go to say them, they slip down my throat and I choke. I know you know but I don't. I'd stop writing about you, but then this journal would be unsatisfying and boring. I hope you don't mind. I can't (but you can) help that you've got qualities I've always looked for. You've got a heart for serving God. You're incredibly intelligent and kind, strong-willed and determined. At least these are the things I percieve about you. I don't know you and I won't pretend that I do, but I would love to get to and find that all the perceptions I have about you are true. In the same manner, I hope all the perceptions you have about ME prove false.

03. Yeah buddy. Thank you for always being there no matter what. I've been praying for you and am overjoyed and relieved to know that Jesus Christ is your Savior. I'll be here to answer any questions you've got and to listen whenever you need someone to. As always.

04. Come back already. Crap.

05. You're an awesome girl. So please stop being a whore.

06. Life is more than just sleeping, schoolwork, and books. All this time, I've wanted you to just have fun, relax, and be able to not stress out over things you will inevitably forget. Lately you've been choosing research papers over me, which is why I've stopped calling, but remember: You won't be this young forever, so please enjoy it while it lasts. You'll regret it if you don't. Call me sometime because I DO miss hanging out with you.

07. Things are pretty much back to normal between you and I. I mean, except for the hanging out everyday part. Nonetheless, I love how it is right now. Jerk.

08. I am proud of you and the person you've grown up to be. But sometimes I wish you wouldn't see or talk to me as if I was inferior to you. Because I'm not.

09. You've put yourself into this situation, and I hate the fact that you haven't manned-up to your responsibilities to your family. Grow up. You've forced yourself to have to.

10. I love how faithful You are to me. I don't deserve a thing. All I can do is hope and pray that I can return the favor as best I can. Nothing I could say could ever describe exactly how I feel in my heart. Just as well though, because You are the only One who could ever know that.

Best guesses go to hendrix.derosas@gmail.com.

Church hopping.

Since PCC was still having their family camp, I didn't have a church to go to this morning for worship service. Fortunately, I mentioned this to Cathy(Stephanie's friend) on friday, who then invited me to her church. Long story short: It was incredibly surprising and hilarious how their vietnamese church and our filipino church have so much in common. Services, sunday schools, and even the people reminded me of our church. I had an awesome time and even got to stick around with Cathy in their leader's meeting. I was blessed and I'll keep that church in my prayers. God's using them mightily. To Cathy(if she ever reads this): Thank you for inviting me and being a great host and tour guide.

By the way, Gil Grissom and the rest of the CSI team are my heroes.