(Dis)re-guarded tramp-led (h)ear(t)s. (i dont mean a word.)

sometimes you spend every waking moment and most sleeping ones thinking and wishing and dreaming about one heart, one person. and the years pass. they let it slip, or you do. God knows where it all begins or ends. but as it falls to pieces, you keep grabbing and collecting them not like for a museum of artifacts that once mattered, but like you're going to put those broken pieces back together. except there are always a couple pieces missing each time.

breathe deep. slow your (un)beating heart. these winding roads in your mind confuse. remember a time before you always felt like this. try to remember, drix. you want it to be simple. you make it complicated. sometimes i wish i could re-engineer the single path from my heart to the tip of my tongue and let my head have a chance to(o). i haven't any huge dreams or wishes, i just want to be at least "okay." but then it all comes down to my word versus your word versus the world's word and i dont think i want to anymore. im tired and worn. my head's full, and my eyes empty.

when I wake up at the crack of noon, the world's blurry. it barely comes in and usually stays out of focus. this is when its at its worst. awake from dreams of you to realize that none of it was real, possibly ever. spend late nights eating ungodly amounts of ben & jerry's chocolate brownie ice cream and watching fresh prince or saved by the bell reruns with that frankie j record playing in the background.

i'll let this eat at me for five more seconds and I'll willingly stop the moping and find my feet. this feeling won't last forever and I won't let it. start smiles in five. four. three. two. one.

long"live"ourcarcrashhearts.

"Finally got the nerve to tell you how much you mean to me."

it's kind of funny how people can windowshop on your life or critique your writing on style and grammar and grace. i hope they at least enjoy the read. I don't know how my mind works or if it even does. nights like these are spent writing and writing and waiting.

they ask God for an end to poverty and hopes for cures to incurable diseases like cancer. i bother God with selfish pleasures and hope for relief/a cure for a hurricane/heartache named (you know who). there's not a need for details or specific names, but when was the last time there was a need to? hurt is what i try so not to seem, but it's the only word that comes to mind. you haven't any idea how i felt on that car ride back because i covered any agony with forced smiles and nods and "i understand's". what it really and literally felt like: a one thousand pound man sitting on my chest, suffocating me while decking me in the face with brass knuckles on. but i know that with God's grace, the thousand pound man will slowly lose weight as the the days go by, and the pain will eventually diminish. but i'll continue to keep crossing my heart or t's because fingers give me away everytime.

i SO want to be who God wants for you, the person you've longingly prayed for. but maybe we just weren't meant for each other and i've got to acknowledge that. I've also got to acknowledge the fact that I need to trust God and His plan so much more as well as sincerely live as the kind of man that a girl like you prays for. I want to exceed expectations. I want to be more than what people percieve me as. I want to be a child of whom God is well pleased. these are just some goals worth striving for, and I know someday things will fall into place. whether or not you will be a part of that is yet to be seen, but I truly hope you are. if not, I know its for the best. just because our relationship might be moving unpredictably as of now, please please please don't write us off. please.

so there you go. i'm glad that we had the chance to talk this over face to face. these feelings for you probably won't leave me for some time, but this was all a learning experience and I don't regret anything that's ever happened between you and I because I've enjoyed every moment so far. and I know we'll make many more memories to come. if you ever need help, advice, comfort, encouragement, someone to chill with or confide in, a dashboard singalong, or just another reading suggestion, please don't hesitate to call because your company is always welcome. but just so you know, you're a hard girl to get over, hoochie. This'd all be so much easier if you weren't the prettiest thing living. and if you didn't have the personality and intellect and everything I've ever wanted in a person.

"and I'm still here, waiting there to catch you if you fall."

Little blue hairclips.

yellow finger and toenails match the yellow on my belly when I actually build up the nerve to make eye contact. you really can't comprehend how my heart beats under, through, and out of this chest when I receive so much as a wave or nod of acknowledgement from you, or even worse(for my heart, not my eyes or any other aspect of my being), a simple smile. but I'd have it no other way because this billion butterfly-filled stomach and thoughts of "I can't believe you said that" and "you're such an idiot" to myself the second I end a sentence during a conversation with you tell me you're so much more than just "some girl I know." and I'd give almost anything to be more than just "some boy you know."

EDIT: btw, this pasadena trip may be a lifechanger.
but please please please, not for the worse. EDIT: Frick.
EDIT: Haha. Okay, we're on again.

Hearts of gold vs. hearts of stone.

always chased, never caught. I wouldn't know that feeling. I want to show you all my jealousy and insecurity and instability and have you (not) care. because I'm addicted to the way I feel when I'm with you. and your eyes are always rolling, but when mine do, i tilt my head so that somehow they were still stuck on you.

I wish you could detect the sincerity in every word I write and that it would make some kind of a difference in how you'd perceive me. but wishes never seem to come true, EVEN when I send those stupid chain letters within the 60 second time limit.

do I stand a chance? (not rhetorical).

Die young and save yourselves.

brand new has always been my favorite band, but last night truly confirmed that notion. seeing them in as intimate a setting as the glasshouse was beautiful and mind-blowing. beautifully mind-blowing. sheer brilliance wrapped in a time span of one and a half hours. I wish it didn't have to end because I haven't felt this way in years.

if being in love is anywhere close to this feeling...

"One time I hit my vagina bone there, and it hurt so bad."

... the response, courtesy of heather after getting my nuts smashed while changing a trash can. I didn't know whether to be turned on by the inane statement or to gag. haha.

things that've made me happy lately are as follows:

backslaps. not stabs. lowrise jeans. ripped. text messages. damien rice. the hills. jeremie q. the phrase "vagina bone." thousand island dressing. beach bbq's. nerf guns at work. quiet time and meditation. family fun days. lauren and how she listens to Brand New's "Deja Entendu" everyday. independence day and fireworks and the fact that you wore your glasses and had a ponytail tonight. the new dc record. filipino movies with people who don't speak tagalog and people who speak too MUCH tagalog. patrick stump's rendition of "so sick." no work, all play. living it up with everyone I can live it up with because it'll never be this way again.

God, this summer is the best.

I love you but right now i just dont like you.

drama fo' yo' muh f'n mama. please be as emo as you like because I did all the right things and now I know not to treat you like a queen, especially when I'm neither interested in nor in any attempt to be your king. I've always been there for you and yet I constantly fall victim to your ever inconsistent mood swings. after all this time, I've still never benn able to figure you out. I never will. this is no way I want to spend my summer (or my life). I sure as hell have nothing to apologize for, so if theres going to be any kind of reconciliation, you'll have to take the first humble step. awkward glances and playing "ghosts in the hallway" just doesn't cut it, sister. you and I have endured and invested too much for almost seven years into this friendship, to just ball it up and throw it out the window. lets not blow it.

"I know you can list your friends but you can't count on them."

Insomnia's a pet peeve but it keeps me from dreaming of you.

sosleepycantsleep. might as well random rant. new dashboard album comes out. best buy at 9am w/ heather because we're dc dweebs. she doesn't fancy you, btw. I've heard her reasoning for why and I can't argue her points. I'm a sucker and we(ve) know(n) it. shes a hero and therapist and safety net for me everytime. thanks for st icking/aying up for me. you're one of the only girls that can put a smile on my face without smacking it right off moments later. at least so far.

sometimes I love the feeling of knowing secrets about people that don't think you know. I'm (not) sorry that I'm going to keep doing what you hate that I do. but I've got a feeling that it won't be for long. and words like "we'll hang out soon" are easier said than meant. dishonest tones of voice and stone faces. all these lips are good for are words telling you a nonchalant "I like your hair", while all my mind is good for is thoughts like "take me I'm yours." and btw -- comments aren't disabled. but this boy already is.

both pirates and warped tour -- july 7th. how awesome is that. maybe ill marry a supermodel and win a lifetime supply of coca cola that day too.

written in a dark room by some kid drinking warm uncarbonated sprite. its like 4am and this wasn't intended to make much sense. get it or don't.

nonsensical blogs are the new whatever.

A city on a hill cannot be hidden.

I just read Matthew 5 for my devotion. and I know that I'm not the godliest man, but I pray that through my life, people around me who don't know Jesus would see the difference between myself and this world. God's been so good to me, especially in this past year. for once, I've been able to keep myself disciplined and consistent in my relationship with Him with His help even amidst trials and the most confusing of times. thank you Lord for Your faithfulness and grace and patience with me. I've made countless mistakes and have st(r)ayed away from You, yet You've still chosen to call me son. I know of no way to repay the favor but please believe that i'll try my best. Kn/ow(n) this ever complicated heart of mine.

Frankie sang it best.

1. because she's beautiful and maybe I'm incredibly shallow.

2. because I'm afraid of change. like maybe this is all so routine that I don't want anything any other way because I know that my heart will be/beat different if it does change. and whether that will be a good thing or a bad thing is the question that kills me.

3. because maybe I think(hope) persistence will win over in the end.

4. because no one I've ever met compares to her or every aspect I admire about her. yet.

possible reasons why this journal is still being written in.

listen to: "I've got you under my skin."

Bummin' it at the b****.

nervous car rides and awkward "jokes." extremely tired eyes. not tired enough though to not stop from looking at you. I'm sure you must've felt it. and maybe I should apologize for believing that you are the most angelic thing walking the earth. and that the thought of spending consecutive lifetimes with you makes me indescribably happy. sometimes I think I don't have a fighting chance of ever getting over you. who woulda thunk this'd be so hard? this entry contradicts the last. as usual.

lovely day at the beach with the kids. aside from when I was getting lost, getting stuck in traffic, and the fact that I rear-ended some lady's lexus. yikes. its funny how I still can't complain. it couldve been worse. thank You Lord for keeping me safe. lots of laughs, compliments of mark f'n diaz.

real update later. or not.

I keep fixing all the habits that i break.

gah. I suck at choir. I'd quit if it wasn't so much fun. & hey. its for God. i hope pastor nate doesn't mind.

obey sale the other day was yummy. I'm eight t-shirts and two jackets richer.

I wrote about you again but deleted it because I came to my senses. I know its seemed (understatement, I know) like it these past few years, but my journal (or my life for that matter) doesn't revolve around you. & you know its getting pretty pathetic when every journal entry's about some girl you only hang out with once every six months. if even. all we're made up of is half-truths and witty sarcasm mixed with (in)considerate smiles and coerced hugs.

j-anne quilala is my best friend.

There i go with hope again.

watching (my) worlds explode and falling in "love" more than once a day. the girls of summer. killer bodies kindly kill with sympathetic smiles still pressed against my pathetic ones. all in all I don't mind. kiss & don't tell... unless/until you ask. jealousy is all I want in return. looks of disgust is all i'll get. but nothing matters because in the long run we'll never be and the short run doesn't have much of a chance either. girls who haven't had enough time to think it all through. sometimes it seems that this'll be the closest to love i'll ever get. but I've got high hopes that it isn't .

Destruction, not diary.

The flatterer gets flattened when the eyes and ears his words are meant for come back to him chaotic and disposed of. Sometimes you think writing a fancy sounding sentence about someone will be the end to your problems when in fact, it may very well be the beginning. "I miss you's" and "you're beautiful's" are taken with grains of salt as if I wrote/said the words just so I'd have something to say, or with malice as if this was all an overly dramatic way to make you miss me back(tough luck). But what I actually meant was I want to be with you so badly that the insides of my bones hurt.

This tiny keyboard will only let me type heart.

Hendrix.

P.s. This will be updated more often as I now use my phone for the internet way more than I use my laptop.

143 637.

Chin up, friends. You only live once, right? But how many times can you die? I'm a welcome mat for dirty feet and dirty hearts. I hate this compulsion to type whenever and whatever I feel. Involuntary. Much like breathing or the beating of hearts. Or the stopping of both. Sometimes I just want to drop everything. Sometimes I want to forget, but at the same time, remember and not feel. Sometimes pictures, rumors, and the clicks of these keys are all I want to be. I'm always shooting blindly and in the dark. A boy's gotta dream though, right? But even on my best day, even if and when all the stars and planets have aligned, I still couldn't come close to touching you. Neverend. You were wrong about subconciously missing you. I'm pretty much concious of it. I just try not to do anything stupid. But here I am yet again, doing something relatively stupid.

I've got precisely 143 myspace friends. Howsickeninglycute, right?

This story's getting old.

Sometimes I feel so incredibly predictable. Like the words I want to say are already in the back of your mind. Reiterated over and over until they lose what little, if any, meaning they've ever had. I'm surprised we've/it's gone on this long. (If you can call it going on). And I keep telling myself it's over but I hope that it is this time around because I really don't want to keep reading journal entries and wishing that somewhere in between the lines is something secretly about me. So here we are, and if the way it's been lately is the way it's going to be for good, I won't mind. But don't worry. You'll live on in jealous hearts and jealous eyes for years to come. At least. Sweetie, so many people would still kill to be in your shoes and sometimes it seems you're dying from it.

Tell me what to do next.

"Do your feet hurt?"

The response:

"Hi Hendrix! Lol at first I thought this was a chain mail. Anyways...wow. You're like..really courageous for doing this. I was actually moved by your letter and I actually love the idea of sitting on top of a building in our PJ's eating cereal :D I didn't know I'd create an impression on you. Is it because I wear glasses sometimes? Hahaha. You're a really nice guy, Hendrix, and I would LOVE to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner with you....but as friends. I'm really sorry, but I'm already sorta seeing this one guy... but believe me when I say this, if I wasn't dating the [him], I would have definitley taken my chances with you. You seem like a very fun, outgoing, genuine kind of guy.

But yeah, I'm truly sorry, Hendrix!! Don't feel so embarrassed. You should feel proud because most guys are really scared and this message you sent me really affected me in a good way! You know, like bonus points haha. I really love it. I just hope things don't seem awkward around us haha. For now, let's be friends, yeah? I hope you understand. Chin up. You'll meet another wonderful goofy girl soon. After all, who can resist your charm, eh? :)

Love, (her name here). P.S: Great pick up line hahaha."

Just another day in the life. Gah. You're gorgeous.

All in.

Do you ever think what if maybe the wish you made came true but for someone else instead? I don't remember where I was going with that because whatever's in my head isn't making sense. Be careful what you wish for I guess(?). Like where do wishes go when they fall short of granted? Last bets and best chances. But best chances bet best.

Wait. What?

One tall decaf coffee for Tyrone Wells.

So I totally met Tyrone Wells earlier. I know. Weird. I was working, and he came up to the register and asked for a tall decaf. I suspected it was him, and the name on the credit card confirmed my notion. We only talked for about 5 minutes, but it was still pretty cool. The conversation consisted of: The release party at the El Rey and why I can't attend, Western Christian, my "cool" name, "Better Off Without You" and "Dream Like New York". We tried calling up Katrina, but she didn't answer. That's probably because she screens her calls. I always get lucky when it comes to meeting people I admire (not necessarily "celebrity status") in the most random places. And they're always nice enough to take pictures with me, sign autographs, or make phonecalls to Katrina. I wish he'd have left a message, but I was talking him so long that there was a line behind him, so we cut it short. We shook hands, and he was like, "It was nice meeting you, Hendrix." And I was like, "Likewise. If plans fall through, I'll try to make it on Saturday." And that was the end.

Another one of those days I guess.

It's murdaaa...

I'm slowing my world down (even more). Realizing that we only make decisions for that feeling we get when we evade whatever it is that we fear most or for that first kiss feeling we get when we finally get what we love. And this is one of those entries that were made for you to (not) understand. So don't. I'd stop wishing, but I think these dreams are keeping me awake.

I'm done wishing on stars, inside tunnels, and for you.

p.s. to the biggest sweetheart ever: thanks for always taking time out to talk(or in this case, listen) and for always going that extra step especially when i can be all a-holish and emo-ey. pardon the french. the "feel-good" cd you made me will be playing on repeat for weeks on end, i can tell.