Koinonia/Starting anew.

Long drives in solitude, beautiful scenery, contemplation, meditation, and a Chris Tomlin, Charlie Hall, MercyMe, and Jimmy Needham mixtape. Epiphanies of how this life should be lived and who it should be lived for. The need for unity and fellowship. And sometimes you realize these things when it's entirely too late.

Koinonia. But I make trainwrecks out of relationships. Hoping with all my heart that they aren't irreparable. Regretful of every time I let my emotions get the best of me, and that's precisely why I'm giving this all up. (As well as so many other things.) Never wanted to ever be cliche. Especially the Christian kind, with their repetitive phrases and overused verses. But maybe it's good to be. Cliches are cliches because they're usually true. And the Christian ones are always incredibly encouraging. Always known to be the emotional one. The intellectual one. The creative one. The imaginative one. The cultured one. The secular music lover. Praying that someday, years from now, that every moniker would be dropped; replaced. With adjectives like bold, kind, encouraging, happy, Godly. This is me working with God to work on me, because I hate myself and what my ideals and personality have become. This is me apologizing to everyone I've wronged. This is me completely independent on any person, and completely dependent on Him and the inspired Word. This is me striving and growing to be the person I should've been all along.

Please disregard everything I am/ever was.

Katrina Alaia and happy thoughts.

It's 2am and late nights and even later eyes tell me it's time for random rants with hints of delirium.

MY JOURNAL ENTRIES: These insipid entries tell vague stories of depression and "heartbreak", but in actuality, my life's pretty much the opposite. What is with this obsession to record every horrible day? I haven't got a clue, but let's attempt to turn this around, shall we? Here we go.

KATRINA ALAIA: "Instead, let's focus on this single truth: I love the mix Hendrix made me for my birthday. I love Hendrix. He turns sucky days into good ones. Easily. I think I need to cut out otherpeopletime, and replace it with more Hendy time. I'm crossing my phalanges about swimming like fish and eating some raw ones tomorrow. With Hendy. That would be all." -excerpt from xanga.com/darlingnovice.

I'm such an emo-kid and sometimes I'm taken aback by this sense of awe; Contemplating reasons why she genuinely seems to enjoy my company despite my every flaw. (Haha. So poetic, yet so unintended.) And it's like you can't make everyone like you, so make the one's that do the one's that count. So this is my letter of sincere appreciation; I love and admire Katrina Alaia Garcia Tuason in just about every aspect imaginable. More to say, but all my best mentions and intentions get backspaced. Like maybe it'd be better vocalized. Someday. :)

CURRENT LOVES: This eight-book set filled with short stories and poems that I bought at Borders for $3.99. Baseball at the park and poker games with the guys. The SK3. Watching the commentary to Wedding Crashers, Old School, and Zoolander. Our new neighbors, the Baloys. This incredible summer packed with adventure, encouraging missionary stories, and two finished Bible study books. & God and the truths He's revealing everyday through His word and through fellowship.

If God gave me grace, then why aren't I graceful.

While transferring old journal entries into blogger, as well as skimming through them, I've realized why I started composing these overdramatic accounts of... life(?) in the first place. These are more like (sub)conscious "letters to you" than intentional "notes to self". I'm not complaining though, because with every bitter-infused word I re-read, I can't help but smile because I feel exactly opposite. And with every love-filled compliment, I hope you know that each one is true and genuine and heartfelt; even until now. Oh, that Katrina Alaia Garcia Tuason. It's been a while since you've been written about in here. In a good way. Vague-ness(?) is so 2-3 years ago. This is for Katrina Alaia.

Stolen from Rachel's blogspot.

"and everything good in the world is you" :)

being screamed at all damn day and calling my mother dearest "hormonal" to her face and moping. and moping some more. getting dressed up and having my hootchie (inside joke)-little-man self picked up and driven off to Newport beach. w/ taco bell. but only after enduring a 'voice-change.' discussing my favorite song in the whole freaking universe accompanied with a bean burrito & two beef chalupas. we brainstormed "the list" and discussed eyes the size of basketballs, sang a little fall out boy here and there. and i'll never be the same.

"i am so the best thing to ever happen in your lifetime. change the "i" to "you" and the "your" to "my"."

i love you too, Hendrix.

--------------------------------

- excerpt from http://rachelfeliza.blogspot.com

Best friends and dead ends. (Need you like water in my lungs.)

What's been keeping me (relatively) sane for the past few months: katrina alaia, rach, the sirens, live jazz at steamer's cafe, tapioca milk tea with boba, the new bright eyes album, grey's anatomy, random doodles, God's promises, and oddly enough, a billboard off the 60 freeway containing one word: Thrive.

"I don't... I just... That day you came out of the water... I was trying to breathe for you. I love you, and I want you, but I don't know what to... You didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to. And I don't know if I can... I don't know if I want to keep trying to breathe for you." -Derek Sheppard to Meredith Grey.

Determined to give up on someone(in one aspect), whom I told myself I'd never. But when all you hear are guilty half-truths, and when every ounce of an individual is so insincere you can taste it, you just know that they may not be worth it in the long run. I hope that you prove me wrong. This world isn't your home; please acknowledge that. I know this life is a struggle, but it's a struggle for everyone else as well. The thing is, as people, we've got choices. And as a Christian, YOU HAVE GOD. YOU have the upper-hand. In fact, WE'RE PROMISED THE VICTORY. And you know that you know all this. As always, you're in my prayers. You can keep re-living your mistakes, if that's what it takes. As for me, I'm learning from mine. And with that said, this is my goodbye to any future I would've hoped to have with you as more than just friends.

Smile and show your teeth, sweetie. You got your wish.

Fistfights of sorts.

A weekend chockful o' epiphones and burdenbearing and laughter. Jessica's house friday at 11pm to watch the Holiday. 200 mile drives(left breathless) and another Pacman victory at the Tano's. Pastor Nate and the power of the cross. Surprise parties in Ontario with AFG. And this is every thought inbetween:

Just for kicks: You Are The Idealist. You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. What's your personality type?

And we're back. Words resemble teeth. They're flashed in smiles or spit out during fistfights. Ecstatic to see the former in you in relation to me for the meantime. But it still isn't the same. And I don't think anybody feels the way I do about you. Brushed off as if this were an infatuation; you know full well I have every right to these feelings. And every moment spent with you births these butterflies in my gut. Thanks for letting me pick you up on saturday. :-) You're always the first to call shotgun. And this is me wishing you were always this excited to be next to me. Secretly calling shotgun on everything you do.

Band practice with The Sirens tonight. Yippee. :-)

The sirens.

We finally started our Starbucks band, The Sirens. And just so you know: we are SO cool. We'll have songs recorded soon. What songs? No idea. What instruments? No idea. For now, you can visit myspace.com/thesirens10338.

P.s. Jessica Nadua's not as hot without her stye. Jk. SHE SO IS.

To the girl with the perfect teeth.

This letter wasn't designed to be cliche or effusively romantic. This is a real and outward expression of what I couldn't verbalize on Saturday night.

I am not an O.C. loving bro or aspiring doctor or witty cambodian. I know that I am not the best-looking or the most talented. I also know that I cannot change those aspects of myself, and I would have no intention of doing so. All I can ever be is me and who God shapes me to be. And with all my being, all I want is for you to be truly happy. I want to be the person who will help guide you in your walk with God. I want to be the person who will help encourage and strengthen you in time of need. I want to share blessings with you, pray with you, and be a prime example of how a Godly man should be. Of course, I am still working on that aspect, but it is something that I strive for and continually pray for. This isn't an attempt to sell myself with big words or false promises. This is who I am, who I intend to be, and every word is meant from the the heels of my feet to the beating of my heart. Time spent with you has never left me with regret. (And that's a lot of time. Haha.) We've made many memories, and there are so many more in store. "We got older, but we're still young." I am not asking you to be with me. I am asking for consideration. We are both incredibly busy with work, school, and ministry and I don't plan on interrupting any focus on that for either of us. But please keep me, as well as this whole situation in your prayers, as will I. God's blessed me with your presence and friendship for the past seven, almost eight years and I don't intend on losing what we have. I pray that things won't be awkward, and that our friendship will only continue to grow in the way it has as of yet. This will be the last mention of this subject unless you are the individual who brings it up.

Eh.

I didn't even have to use my a.k.

"I gotta say, today was a good day." - Ice Cube
Pastor Pat gave an awesome message on prayer, which encouraged me immensely.
Dim sum with Rachel. Adidas and awkward meetings with both our parentals. :-P
God, it's kind of incredible how much I love singing in choir. Gah.
I miss my best, but I think she knows it. Just play it cool.
Family fun night with the Quilala clan at Thai BBQ. Yum.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. July 21st, nigs.

Rachel.: dude, i have The Plan down
Rachel.: and you have to capitalize it because of its importance :)
Rachel.: my party[sweet 16], then we camp out, get the books, then go to the beach and reeeeead!
Rachel.: hahahah
Hendrix.: WOOO! The Plan sounds awesome.
Rachel.: it's freaking february. we are such nerds.

Yes. Yes, we are. I love it.

Straw wrapper mustaches.

Church with Rachel. Carl's Jr. and blackmail photographs with Rachel.
Cafe Donuts with Rachel. iTunes lessons with Rachel. Sav-on with Rachel.
Sushi at Haru Haru with Rachel. Steamer's Cafe in Fullerton with Rachel. Kind of.
Downtown Disney and latin jazz with Rachel. Grey's Anatomy reruns at 11pm with Rachel.

"Choir performance with Marv?" "Nah." Gah. That girl cracks me up.

Pitter patter goes my heart. (V-Day '07)

Valentine's day with the best. And I won't even sugarcoat this. Although I tried to make this as fun and sweet as possible, the difficulty was attempting to make her enjoy the night as well. It was kind of like when you're at the end of a tube of toothpaste, and in desperation, attempt to squeeze that last bit out... Except the tube was Eunice, and the the impossible goo to squeeze out was fun and happiness. But I guess today was tired and rushed from the beginning. Stayed up all night painting and preparing thoughtful(I hope) presents, then dropped them off at around 4:45am. Slept at 5:30am, so I'd be rested up for work at 6:30am-11:00am. Had school at Noon, but asked if I could leave at 4:30pm instead of the usual 5:30pm, then called Hooters for some wings to go(she LOVES those things) because we didn't have time to have a "real" nice dinner. Decided I could make the most out of this, and stopped by Sav-On and bought a candle, cheap wine glasses and Coca-cola. I picked her up, and she was tired because she had just come home from work. Anyway, we lit the candle, prayed for the food, and made a toast... "To Valentine's Day!" She then spent about half an hour on the phone with her mother on the way to the Arclight in Hollywood. Sigh. Anyway, Music and Lyrics was cute, and so was that building with the illuminated heart. Those were the highlights(?). We then sped home so she could spend the rest of the night with her sisters, and as usual lately, received one of her awkward hugs. So yeah. At least the pictures make it look memorable. Or not.

Feeling unappreciated as of late? A tad. I sugarcoated it. :-/

"Nobody likes you when you're 23."

I hate you, you.

Sorry for the lack of updates.

Keeping all my secrets secret. And yours.
Virtual notepads and submit buttons just won't do anymore.
Attempting to be more than just acquaintances with this pen and paper.

I want to fall in love to any song off of "Our First Taste of Escape" by Penfold.

The relevance of my life in yours is questionable at best.

Screaming at you at the top of my lungs -- Only heard from between my own ears. And sometimes all I want is for you to care; it doesn't even have to be in the same way. Your lack of response to compliments in the form of brief myspace comments and annoyingly long text messages leave me in sullen states. This is borderline pathetic by now. After all, I am only being myself, but who am I anymore. A glass half full kind of boy; I'm taking my naivety with me to the grave. As always, wanting to type "leaving it all in His hands" ; ever reiterate that to yourself so many times that it gets to the point of saying it just to get through the day? I know God is good and I trust in His promises, but I'm still praying intently that my head and heart are nothing less than genuine. It's about time to move on. You obviously have. Sometimes I just don't know nothin' 'bout hopes or spirits or hearts or lungs or love.

Coffee Bean cancellations.

From the incoherency of the thoughts and ideas in my head to indecipherable run-on sentences in this almost single-subject diary. These are love letters and notes from my bashful and apprehensive throat. This is barely comprehensible. And sometimes there is no other way for anything to ever be explained. And sometimes maybe you don't want it to be. Wrap all this around your head like the way I'm wrapped around your finger.

Have fun tonight and paint our town red.
Oh... Happy birthday Steph. Again and again.

Praying for the best.

You can only hide behind "friends" and parties and excuses and the person you're pretending to be for so long. You are empty words, half truths, and half hearts. I am wasted breath and time. Attempting to prove I care leaves me exhausted, penniless, and unappreciated. If I've made any impact on your life, you certainly don't show it. Neverending prayers and hopes. I love you and you are my closest friend, but I am constantly on the brink of walking away.

Stop me.

Explosions in the sky.

The Glasshouse. One beautiful place filled with millions of beautiful sounds. My favorite place to be in the world, all in the humble art/fashion district of downtown Pomona. It's impressive how a venue as small as this can change your life, in so many different aspects, and in such a massive way, even if only for a few hours at a time. Show up distraught or stressed, and leave feeling... composed, untroubled. In years past, I've seen breath-taking performances by Chris Carabba, Jenny Lewis & the Watson Twins, Saves the Day, Rilo Kiley, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Jimmy Eat World, Death Cab for Cutie, Pedro the Lion, The Decemberists, among many, many others. In this week alone, on three different nights, I've seen Brandtson, Minus the Bear, and Explosions in the Sky(last night). It was the first time I've seen Explosions live, and it was one of my most memorable experiences. Ever. Even without lyrics, the musicians put so much emotion into what they were doing that there was no way that you wouldn't be able to feel it. Awesome and overwhelming. Pure.

Appleseed Cast plays November 21st and IT WILL BE CLASSIC. Come with.

A child of twenty-two.

after service today, I immediately left, and had lunch alone. just needed to kind of re-assess things and meditate on what I learned in sunday school and in the sermon. I decided on a few things and these are some of my goals: to truly know and understand what consistency and intimacy in my relationship with my Lord means. He deserves more time than I've ever given Him. to concentrate on school more until I get my business degree in december and socializing SO MUCH less. going/hanging out is NOT the same as fellowship and I think we all can get the two confused. being an encourager and testimony and prayer partner to those who need it. being bold enough to share the gospel to my coworkers. to be a better brother and friend. especially to you. this is my time to finally grow up, to mature, in more ways than one. I've about a year until I transition from college student to businessman(boy). here's to being a child of twenty-two.

"little boat, you're mine again." -- thank you, Jesus.

K. Alaia's trick, not treat.

i told you i missed you tonight.
and God, did i mean it.

you responded with "good!" and a mischievous grin.

always content with taking what i can get.
(living off splitsecond hugs and sincere smiles and all the sounds of you talking.)

Friday night at PCC.

the setting: friday night college group @ pcc.

tita cyn: ok class, we're going through the book "how now shall we live".
kris saliba: haha everytime I hear that, I think of "how now brown cow".
me: haha. how now brown cow shall we live? that's like the book people in india would read.
kris saliba: haha.

welcome to friday night.